


Introspection

by monochrmesky



Category: Twisted-Wonderland (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Family Issues, How Do I Tag, Insecurities, Mother Issues, Not Beta Read, Self-Worth Issues, self projection is a way to cope, slight mention of eating disorders, tags will be added in the next chapters, vent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-16 15:35:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29456103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monochrmesky/pseuds/monochrmesky
Summary: A piece of Riddle’s mind.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	1. Perfect

**Author's Note:**

> English isn’t my main language and it has been a long time since I wrote something so I hope at least someone likes this.
> 
> As I tagged, these are kind of a vent shots so please if you’re uncomfortable with it, don’t read. Also, sorry if I make the characters ooc.

Riddle has to be perfect,  that’s what everyone expects from him, what his mother told him to be but. 

He doesn’t know what being  _ perfect  _ means.

His life has been planned since his birth, his childhood was filled with lessons and strictness. Playing time? If it wasn’t for Trey and Chen'ya he wouldn’t know how it feels but, as expected, the things he enjoys the most don’t last forever.

Because his mother didn’t plan it, she didn’t expect him to met those two kind kids and told him they were an “obstacle” to his  perfection .

_Perfection_ ,  he has started to hate that word but he has to be  perfect,  it’s what his mother told him to. Imperfection led him to lose his playing time and with it, his time with his friends. 

Imperfection means unhappiness and loneliness. 

But he tries so hard to be perfect, so.

Why does he still feel lonely? 

Is he not- _ perfect _ enough? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know why I wrote this and I still can’t believe I’m publishing it.
> 
> Anyways, thanks for reading!


	2. Guilty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’s guilty after all and maybe it’s the price he has to pay because he knows he will never be forgiven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said before, these are kind of a vent shots so please if you’re uncomfortable with it, don’t read. Also, sorry if I make the characters ooc.
> 
> I wrote this with Guilty — MARINA on my head, it’s a good song so I hope you give it a try. 
> 
> Please enjoy.

This is the first unbirthday party after the overblot issue. 

He has been working so hard not to be that _angry_ and _tyrant_ dorm head that the other Heartslabyul members think he is. He pretends to not make a big deal about the white roses who seem to laugh at him because they weren’t painted with red as it was supposed to be. He also pretends to not care about the taste of the tea and the missing cakes that disappeared by _casualty._

However, he points out those mistakes with the most-like kind smile, hiding his displeasure and trying to calm his nerves, he doesn’t want to explode again and guess this was the price of his mistakes. 

He feels how his eyes get filled with tears, he’s not going to cry again, he can’t let people see him cry again. Instead, he prefers to eat the pretty cake Trey baked just for him. He tasted it, felt the sweet glaze melting on his mouth and the juicy strawberries at the top. 

He _loves_ it. 

And then, he starts eating another dessert. When did he finish the first cake? 

He doesn’t know and he doesn’t care. 

_ For now._

As expected the party comes to an end, with a kind smile he makes sure everything goes smoothly and excuses himself with Trey and Cater, telling them he has some _dorm-head_ related papers to fill.

He says goodbye as if nothing is happening. 

But _everything_ is happening. 

He feels  _ guilty _ . 

He wasn’t supposed to eat that amount of food, his mother has every meal planned with the number of calories per each of them. He is gonna get  _ fucking  _ fat and it wasn’t  perfect. 

He starts to walk faster, the  _ click-clack _ of his high heels resounded in the empty dorm hall. 

And he came to the bathroom, it was a messy entrance but he doesn’t care, he has to fix this. Eventually, everything comes through his mind again, his mother, his tyranny, the look of the heartslabyul students, his overblot, his  _imperfection_.

So he goes down, crouches next to the toilet and with all the anxiety clouding his mind, he feels two fingers paving the way through his throat but nothing comes out. So, he tries with another finger, maybe it would be enough.

And then it comes

He feels how his stomach is getting empty as if he was releasing all the stress through that purge.His mouth tastes awful, nothing like the sweet pastries he ate. When nothing else comes out of his mouth, he stands up and with the back of his sleeve, cleans the remaining saliva in his mouth and chin.

Carefully, he tries to arrange his clothes and the crown on his head, he glances at the mirror and it’s almost like his reflection was making fun of him. His eyes were swollen and red due to the effort to throw up, his face was full of red little spots and his throat burns, he hopes it doesn’t bleed. 

And he feels the heavyweight on his stomach and chest again.

Of course, what he did didn’t work.

He feels even worse now.

What is he doing? This is not okay. 

Nothing will change how he feels, neither what he did. 

And it doesn’t matter because he deserves it and it’s nothing that “starving some days with the help of his busy dorm head schedule before the next unbirthday party”, wouldn’t fix.

He’s  _ guilty  _ after all and maybe it’s the price he has to pay because he knows he will never be forgiven. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can’t believe I’m publishing it but some mistakes are meant to be made.


	3. Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m writing all of these in a rush, please enjoy. Sorry in advance for any mistake.

Riddle hated it.

No, Riddle  _ hates  _ it.

Riddle can’t stand the noise, the pain, the urge to run away. He has enough. If he's being honest, he has already lost the account of times his parents have been in disagreement with each other, and the only thing he can do is hide in the bathroom, covering his ears and try to focus on his breath, while a battle between his progenitors explodes in the living room. 

_ One, _ he breathed when he heard his father’s scream.

_ Two, _ he released the air from his lungs. Oh, how much he would like them to get along well like the Queen of Hearts did with her husband.

_ Three, _ the grip around his ears gets stronger at the sound of things falling and crashing into the wall. It must be his mother’s fault.

_ Four, _ he couldn’t help but bury his nails on his head, leaving some half-moon trademarks there.

_ Five, _ he closed his eyes, wanting to disappear.

But he knows that even if he wishes for it, it couldn't be done. 

He can't stand it, he wants this holiday to come to an end as soon as possible so he can go back to the Night Raven College, to the Heartslabyul dorm, where he feels safe, a place that can be called home.

_Home_.

Such a joke.

He doesn’t know what home is. Since he can remember, his parents don’t love each other and somehow managed to be together, he wonders  _ why._ Perhaps it’s because his mother lives at the expectations of people at the Rose Kingdom, eternally attentive and obsessed with what they say about her and her achievements. Or maybe it's his prideful father's fault, who is also obsessed with being at the top, being the navel of the world. 

_ Ten, _ when did he reach this number? However, he deletes the thought almost instantly because memories of Heartslabyul fill his brain. 

Heartslabyul, the closest thing to be called home. 

He can't wait to be back and enjoy his time with them. He wants to taste Trey’s cakes and pastries, hear Cater babbling about magicam and watch him taking photos of everything, and catch a glimpse of Ace and Deuce messing around the dorm (most likely Ace messing around everywhere while Deuce follows him, it’s like they share a single brain cell who didn’t work). 

_ One hundred_, he sighs. There isn't a way these individuals who are blood-related to him, can be named family. Heartslabyul is  _ his _ family, they're the ones who deserve the title.

He craves to go back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cope with this, thanks for reading.


End file.
